How Do People Change in Therapy?

Change is a funny thing. We can want something very deeply, and then when we actually get it, we're terrified. Or we might go around making changes with one hand and undoing them with the other. Or we tell ourselves, "I'll quit that unwanted habit when work settles down," except the work never really does settle down. What's going on here? And how do we actually change in a meaningful and lasting way, especially in therapy?

We change in therapy when we're ready

What makes us ready for change? Usually, we're at a point where something is clearly not working. We've identified a problem. And we've probably also tried our usual ways of dealing with the problem and realized that those aren't working as well as we would like, or are even causing their own problems or consequences. The last part of being ready is that we're willing to face the problem and put in some effort to learn a new way of addressing it.

We change in therapy when it's safe to do so

Of course, we need to know that we're not going to experience even worse consequences if we begin to change. We need to have the resources and support required to attend therapy, practice skills and reflect on the process, such as time, money and energy. We also need to have some degree of physical safety, such as stable housing. We really start to change in therapy when we begin to experience internal safety, or a sense that we can handle whatever comes up as we begin to experiment with new ways of approaching the problem.

We change when have a new experience

Meaningful change can happen in therapy when we have a new experience of ourselves, our situation or the people around us. We can get to this new experience in many different ways - by thinking about things differently, having one of those "lightbulb moments" or a new level of understanding. We might have a new experience in our relationship with our therapist, where they relate to us in a way that we've never experienced before. Maybe we're actually able to take in their kindness or softness, or they point out something with truth and clarity that we wouldn't be able to hear from anyone else. Or we might have a new internal experience of ourselves and the way we relate to our own thoughts, emotions, sensations or memories.

Most of the time, people start therapy when they've identified that there is a problem and the current way they are dealing with it isn't working as well as they would like. The sense of feeling like it's safe to change and having a new experience often come a little later, as we begin to feel comfortable with our therapist and start engaging in the process of therapy. We can build up these ingredients over time, and often move in and out of really feeling them. No matter where you are in relationship with these elements of change, it's important to remember that change in therapy is collaborative, happens in relationship, and it's ultimately up to you to choose how and when you change.